What I Woke Up and Thought Happened...BAAH!

Being the bat that I am, I prefer to be out in the evenings but Saturday nights are not my favorite. It's the night all the yuppies come out and pollute my stompin' grounds but this particular Saturday I was in the mood for booze.

The night begins right after work when my favorite co-workers decided it was time for tequila, meaning it was time to visit our favorite Uncle Julio. 4 drinks and 2 veggie fajitas later, my accomplice and I were ready to ditch the patio and stumble over to my place. We decided we were not getting too crazy due to my morning yoga class and her need to pack before her big move so i decided driving would be our best bet. I would just pace myself for the night and if things got out of control I could leave the car behind my salon, no big deal. So, we head back to my place, did some freshening up, grabbed a couple drinks at the bar below me, and headed out to meet my gimp friend who runs Saturdays at Lava. After driving around for a bit I found a parking spot near our destination that was so random I was convinced I would need to leave a trail to find my way back.

We entered Lava to find my friend sitting with here crutches sippin on water and redbull, low key night. A couple drinks in on my part and all of a sudden M was ready for Jameson shots, typical. A few of those and a couple hours I don't remember later and I'm wasted. The next thing I can pull from my toasted memory is me turning around to find my boss standing behind me and my accomplice and me hopping into my boss's friends vehicle to head up the street to flat iron. This is where shit starts to get real fuzzy. I make a drunken phone call to my ex, bitch out a co-worker in front of my boss, and wander off alone.

So, I wander around looking for my car and calling who knows who telling them how lost I am and somehow stumble upon my car and take off. Things seem to be going well as I approach a stop sign. All of a sudden some homeless kid comes running out waving his hands and screaming my name. Naturally, I stop paying attention to my driving, roll a stop sign, and get hit by another driver (who also should not have been driving) and the confrontation begins! I get out and we immediately start fist fighting. Full on, hand to hand combat ninja style...wasted! We both end up with minor injuries, scrapes and bruises, and both decide we are too tired to keep fighting, look at each other and say "No hard feeling?" Agreed...and he drove off. I stood by the scene for a bit and talked to the kid who I realized was a friend from high school who now lives on the street and appears to be on so much crack and heroin that I could probably get high off the foul stench of his unwashed body. We end up driving around the city, racing fast and furious style, driftin' and shit. I some how ditch the kid, pick up my original accomplice and head to cvs to do the dew, mountain style and drop the hot mess off at her place.

Then I woke up fully clothed without a phone covered in brown rice. Needless to say, I didn't make it to yoga.

Bahahaha!

<3
G

I Knew My Lego Men Were Smokin My Weed!

Sometimes I Feel Like a Nut, Sometimes I Don't

My dad has to be the best guy in the world.

My two most scandalous friends were headed for a Easter weekend full of sin in Vegas. It was day 2 of their trip in some new hotel out there and the one girl goes to get in the shower before going out. Now this tub was no ordinary tub. Solid, slick marble! It's like showering in a tub made of soap. So guess what happens... She slips forward, falls on the faucet, cuts a hole in her throat, breaks 4 teeth, and passes out for ten minutes. Upon waking up in a tub of blood, she calls my other friend to come help her and he geeks out and calls for assistance. The hotel then grabs them a cab and sends them to some emergency clinic. Apparently, the hotel is not only too dumb to know not to make their tubs out of slick ass marble but they also are too retarded to know local clinic hours and the place was closed before they got there. My 2 poor friends are truckin around town bleeding all over the place trying to find the hospital and end up waiting 6 hours to get helped by a couple of brain dead doctors. Doctor number one is in the middle of stitching her up and looks at my other friend and says, "Do you think thats enough stitching or do i need more?" He is like I'm a hair stylist bitch your the doctor! After that doctor leaves, doctor number 2 comes in with the pain killing prescriptions, asks them why he wanted her to take two different really strong prescriptions, pockets the one and leaves the room. NEVER GET HURT IN VEGAS!! I am convinced these people are vacationers dressed up as doctors.

So, I get a text from these kids on Easter Sunday while eatin with the family and it says, "Hey when you get a chance can you call? We have some questions for your dad." I'm like oh shit I was waiting for them to call me to come bail them out of jail because there was no way they were leavin Vegas without causing a scene and this is the text I get? I was shitting my pants at this point. Needless to say, they talk to my dad, who I should tell you is a dentist, and he tells her what to do in the mean time and sets up an appointment to fix her face the day she gets in because it was just that bad. TRIP FROM HELL! I felt so bad for these kittens. I guess jesus didnt want them there on his day...or some shit...

Womp Womp

<3
G

Easter Rabbits Taste Like Burning

These types of holidays always make me feel like I am going to spontaneously com bust. I went to my Aunt and Uncles house for a lovely little dinner and just the mentioning of church or the fact that the only reason we are together right now is because Jesus has risen makes my skin warm. I'm not a very religious person, I actually very much dislike organized religion so I feel inappropriate celebrating such things but for family sake I will do it. But all day religion and the Easter bunny have been taunting me. First, my wake up call was my extremely Italian grandmother calling me to wish me a Happy Easter and asking me how I am feeling because I had been sick all week. She then proceeds to tell me all about the scripture reading I missed because I am a sinner and lied about being too sick to get out of bed to go to mass. After escaping that fiery fuck of a conversation I hop in my car to go see the fam and there is this sign that is notorious for scanning the most random shit on it for all of River road to see and today what does it say? "Lent, did you make it?" I'm like damn that is a little straight forward, huh? I could be over exagerating but then I pull into my parents neighborhood and a little blow up easter bunny blows out infront of me, I hit it, and drag it the rest of the way to my parents drive way. I am waiting to set on fire and be pulled through the ground!

Peace and love!

G

Dear Humaity...Part 1

Dear Humanity,

Today I would like to address a little something to you that I came across on my way to my parents house in Des Plaines that completely botched my view of the human race, once again.

It was right around rush hour, I was heading home via I94 when I decided it was a bad idea to continue on the route I was taking at the time I was taking it. So, I hopped off and road along some side streets that passed through Glenview. Now, I don't know how much you know about Glenview, but there is a good amount of very wealthy people there with an unnecessary amount of land and a home to match. Being the A.D.D child that I am, was paying more attention to the houses than the road and had to do a double take at this one house. Massive Mother Fucker on probably 3 acres or so of land with towering trees and over grown shrubbery and get this... an over sized blue land gnome cow sitting on a raised rock like some sort of dairy god!! Why??? I am pretty sure people reach a point in their lives where showing that they have a lot of money is just not enough, they have to show that they have nothing else they need to or want to spend it on so they buy ridiculous shit like blue cows and stick them in their yard on a relatively busy street for all to see.

This is when I ask you humanity, what have you come to?


<3
G

Stupid Tattoos...Or are They Totally Awesome!

So, I have always said, "a ogni suo proprio," to each his own (in Italian). Do whatever the fuck makes you happy. I may mock it "cus makin fun of shit is funny sometimes, I can be a dick but I still love you.
Tattoos are like marrying your lova, if at some point you don't love them anymore, gettin rid of them is a bitch. There are some hilarious tattoos out there that I may say are stupid but really, I thank these people for getting them. PURE ENTERTAINMENT.

So here, I thought I would share the shit I look up on the introweb when I'm slow at work.
My Stupid tattoo!

Peace <3

G

Your so Delicious I Could Eat You Up...Literally

So there is this girl at work that always comes in with new bruises on questionable parts of her body. So, me being the 'to the point' kind of gal that i am straight up ask, "Who you fuckin and why do they bite so hard?" Her answer..."I don't really know why but guys always bite me in bed and I bruise easily, it hurts!" What is it about sex that makes a person feel the need to try and devour you? She is a cute girl, a pin up blond with red lips, is it her look? Do guys think the red lips are so delicious they can't handle themselves so they need to bite some thing to keep it under control? Or maybe they think she likes it. An unconventional lookin broad that likes it dirty, bite her fuckin arm off, DELICIOUS... She doesn't do it to them so it's not a you started it thing. I could see how it's sexy though, a little nibble here and there but why so hard? It hurts! I should have a taste though, maybe she really is just delicious. I don't know but guys are gross.

Ok Bye